Place on Earth

Pangs of separation is felt more by the people who are left behind, this is my view. In my personal experience when I left my home after 23 years for job - amidst “missing home” feeling I was looking forward to new place, new work etc., whereas the person left behind continues in the same environment just without the other person. It is the same feeling I have observed in my daughter when her close friends relocate. I was surprised by amma’s muted crying during her chores when appa decided to work in Chennai leaving us and amma in our dear home. Amma is usually very vocal on her emotions, crying mutely is not her way of expression, separation after 30 plus years expressed something deeper.

Dropping my sister Shanti at the rehab centre far off from home, it's a strange feeling. I am surprised on my emotions, rather being relieved to have a successful, smooth admission to this recommended centre - our last straw of hope to her chronic illness I wish to understand my sister's state of mind. Can I feel your pain? Dear Shanti, do you still feel the same way when I left Madurai? I still remember vividly your sweetest card that read “After you left, the place is never the same”. Have years of hospitalization, recurring episodes, our helpless situation to pull you out of this vicious cycle, your self-denial, your adamance ripped off all emotions and expectations from us? I don’t think so, it is not completely gone – it was evident when you asked me if I cannot leave the next day. It was a late and subtle ask, knowing very well that it was not possible. My tickets were booked, and you knew that I cannot.

Was it just a company in your lonely struggle, or the feeling that you are not alone in this, or just the comfort of being with family that still made you ask? Hope there is something left in you that cherishes our childhood, the love and warmth of our family. It is painful, is not easy to leave you here, despite longing for a life without the burden of this illness without having to deal with your tantrums/your episodes, without the ambiguity of your hospitalisation needs.

Does the acceptance of facts that are no longer in their control, make one rough? So rough that you despise? Close to evening you had prepared for my departure often asking me why haven’t I left yet – you started to shun me away, your way of acceptance.

I self-doubt, am I doing the right thing? She was manageable at home and was even very cooperative for the rehab centre admission. Perhaps you could have just continued at home, just like all these years wherein your earnest to work, to a quality life has been diminishing gradually but steadily. Shanti, hope you remember the poster in our home “Like a tree we each must find a place to grow and branch out”. You have to strive and find your place in earth, to have a quality life managing your illness. I am sure you are capable of, your adamance and your attitude should just be guided towards the right direction – on your will to live with dignity. I reflect and assure me that this experiment might or might not be successful, but I will be at peace that I have tried.